mind of mysteri

Sixteen entries in my drafts.  Secret safe keepings.

I think it’s funny you went phishing for a slut
And you wonder why I don’t miss you much
I’m glad you ditched us before I got stuck
And fell into your shitty ass rut
lolol!

Grant me -
An old soul with a young heart

Water that flows but knows its home
Strong ties in free form styles
Opulent affections from deprived origin

An opened hand preserving warmth
Fire that burns but resurrects
Feeble anguish fueling healthy passion

Grant me -
An old soul with a young heart

An empty glass cup teetering at the edge on its toes.
The sharp, sporadic gut wrenching torment you bestow
tease my heart of being broken.

You have become what has been done
to you prior.
A liar. 

You stuttered in your reply.
Persuasive in the things that you deny
but I caught you.

Glasses, white T-shirt, jeans and belt.
Small talk with family interruptions in between,
a movie afterwards and you leaned in
postponing for a few seconds
a kiss.

I hesitated, was in awe.
You wanted me, and it grew into something more.

Harry Potter, Disney World,
view of the fireworks on the bus.
A tear was shed and I was indecisive.

But you wanted me, and it grew into something more.

Officially, I was your’s 
introduced to each other’s families.
Busch Gardens, Kayaking, The Jerk Hut

You still wanted me, so it grew into something more.

Thanksgiving, trains rides and subways
Actions beginning to speak louder than words
I felt how much you had missed me.

You wanted me but it wasn’t enough, so it grew into nothing more.

I grow weary as the taunting slumber awaits me.
Hours slowly slip away as the home reaches another day.

Moments like these leave the stillness perturbed.
Echoing beneath shadows over the knowledge they earned.
Ambiguous enigma, contemplate it’s overlooked depth.
How much definition is there when no words are left?
Steady pace beats quietly while slow motion arrives.
Awaken the most when the most obvious is deprived.
Intrepidly breath with a banging thought of what must die.
Weakened vitality running through bodies of minds and I –
                             grow weary as the taunting slumber awaits me.

Subdue the pain of an average mortal being.
Conclude a simple theory of a blind man seeing.
Truncated abilities supply the more worth,
yet the feeble qualities guarantees a curse.
Inevetible is this path that everlasting tangles.
Mesmorised and amazed as it is unexpectingly handled.
The things I do to subside reprehensible lies.
Strong and brittle entwined so deeply and I –
                                grow weary as the taunting slumber catches me.

Originally written 01/22/03

I left a tear on your pillow the day we parted ways.
It was dedicated to time we had, in so few of days.
There were moments that I felt you, though far away.
And now there are moments left, for a possible someday.

On the train,
I believed you.
All the words that you said.
We were beautiful,
in the laughter
and thoughts in our heads.

My dear, I adore you, though we have to part.
We’ll live a world apart, and see if we meet at the start.
I’ll view our foreign paths as an intricate designed art.
And so, I left a tear on your pillow, my tender sweetheart.

The gap between us spreads.
Not only by distance, but by words unsaid
and I don’t want to forget you yet.

Impetuously grasping onto what we had
and what we could have been,
I don’t want to forget you yet.

But I feel you fading from me
gently, so sweetly, gestures still linger in my head
and I don’t want to forget you yet.

If I were an elephant, I’d surely be dead by now. But I am a Phoenix, blessed with immortality and cursed at the same time.  What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.  Am I approaching the pinnacle point of impenetrable-ness?  Every one that matters to me is absent from my immediate reach, save for one.  Every relationship I have is long-distance, friends and family alike.

Some days I’m ok, other days I feel superb and rainbows spew out of my pores (example: the previous post).  But in suppressed insomniac darkness, I feel so very dejected.

It’s a consistent conflict isn’t it?  Silently debating within yourself to maintain a false sense of modesty.  Could go either way really, depending.  An overly humble person or someone arrogant in areas they shouldn’t be.  The degrees of the grey areas are so wide.  Please, give it to me black and white.  Do not confuse me with wild tangents of the shades in between.  I realize some information is necessary in persuasion, however not always apt.  When they do not effect the existing outcome, don’t bother.  Please, give it to me black and white.  Raw, rigid and true.  So that the process of pain or the process of amendment may proceed in a timely fashion.

Elephants can die from a broken heart.  My heart hurts, but I am not certain if it is broken.  Tell me now.  Shall I set myself aflame to reborn anew yet?  Or have I reached a new level of thickness where this is not necessary?

Do ever feel the need, just to say “I love you”?  I have this urge at complete random for the past few weeks.  At this current moment, I have no one to say it to except for my bestie.  And, lol, I think she’s heard it enough right now.

So.  Don’t take it the wrong way or over-think it.  But,

I love you!  Whoever needs to hear it because I am so willing to say it right now.  Even though things are not going precisely the way I want or hoped, I still have a happiness in my heart and I want to share it with you.  

Have a beautiful day!

First conscious attempt at a tanka :)

——————————————————————-

A young swallow flies
inside a busy airport
Expressive passions
of love inside my sealed heart
Ever to taste sweet freedom

He adored her, her hair, the color of her eyes.
He didn’t want her to change anything, to her surprise.
Ever she suggest dye or colored contacts,
he’d be indifferent and discouraged the superficial impact.

Endearing and yet so cruel,
how he hooks her with delusional tools.
Contagious anxiety, distress and despair.
Her thoughts threatened beyond immediate repair.

Oh but how their opposite days made her heart ache,
they committed to the mistake of staying awake.
Nevertheless, you were seditious against her morals,
and peccadilloes progressively piloted during your quarrels.

Detached she’s become, though far from freedom.
Succumbing to your demands still lingers in her system.
Her virtues, eradicated and her defenses diffused
unbind these shackles that perpetually bruise.

She is the one, with everything to lose.
And so she needs you, to choose
her over you.